


Pale Blue Eyes

by GreenSorceress



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit RPF
Genre: Aidan's thoughts, I don't know how to tag this, M/M, first person POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-25
Updated: 2016-01-25
Packaged: 2018-05-16 03:33:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5812222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GreenSorceress/pseuds/GreenSorceress
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Aidan's thoughts on Dean's recent wedding. All the things he'd like to say but can't. Set to the tune of Pale Blue Eyes by The Velvet Underground</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pale Blue Eyes

**Author's Note:**

> If you don't ship Aidean you shouldn't read this. If you do, hopefully you'll appreciate it. 
> 
> It's the words of someone with a broken heart. It's rambling and contradicting. It's not my most eloquent piece, it's not meant to be. It's meant to be the jumbled thoughts of someone who has just realized there is no hope left to be with the man he loves. I'm sorry. 
> 
> If you have never heard Pale Blue Eyes by The Velvet Underground, go listen to it immediately! I will forever believe it was Lou Reed's love song to David Bowie, and no one but Lou's ghost can tell me otherwise. No matter who you think it is about, it's still a hauntingly beautiful song and you should listen to it. Especially while reading this.

_Sometimes I feel so happy_

_Sometimes I feel so sad_

_Sometimes I feel so happy_

_But mostly you just make me mad_

_Baby you just make me mad_

 

I still get so excited when I get an email from you, I'm not embarrassed to admit it's the highlight of my day. But the time between your responses keeps growing, and I can't remember the last time I heard your voice. 

It’s been so long since we’ve talked. I know you’re busy, I’m busy too. And the time difference has never helped. I just didn’t expect to hear about your wedding in an email. A phone call, or even a text, would have been nice. Should I offer congratulations? Would you believe them if I did?

Guess that’s why I wasn’t invited, why you told me over email. Well, one of the many reasons. I’ll admit that I’m a little bitter with where things are now, but you must know that I only want you to be happy.

 

_Linger on your pale blue eyes_

 

I miss you, if that wasn't obvious. I'm not over this, I'm not over you. How could you do this to me, to us? How could you marry her when I know you still love me?

 

_Thought of you as my mountaintop_

_Thought of you as my peak_

_Thought of you as everything I had_

_But couldn't keep_

 

Maybe it was naive to think this would work, or that it was something more than just…casual. Was it foolish to try to hold on, through the distance, through everything keeping us apart? I wanted to believe that we could have it all, run away from everything and everyone until it was just you and me.

Do you remember that night, when we came up with the plan? We were in your trailer on set, we said ‘I love you’ for the first time, it was raining. You said you never wanted it to end, you said we should retire from acting, buy a little farm and just be happy, you and me.

Well, you've got your farm now. Will you be happy?

_Linger on your pale blue eyes_

 

I found home in your arms, I always hoped you felt the same. There was a time when I believed it, knew it with every fiber of my being. Was it ever that way or was it just my wishful thinking? Does it even matter now?

 

_If I could make the world as pure_

_And strange as what I see_

_I'd put you in the mirror_

_I put in front of me_

 

I left her for you. Surely you must know that. I did it for us. I thought it would make a difference, that you were waiting for me to go first.

 

_Linger on your pale blue eyes_

 

I just couldn’t live that lie any longer. Every touch felt like a lie compared to being with you.

 

_Skip a life completely_

_Stuff it in a cup_

_She said money is like us in time_

_It lies but can't stand up_

_Down for you is up_

 

She told me that she had known for a long time, she'd known since Berlin. She said she wasn't surprised when I told her, that she had thought maybe we could work through it but deep down she had always known. She and I were over the moment I met you, we both knew it. It just took this long to say it out loud.

 

_Linger on your pale blue eyes_

 

She warned me that this wouldn't be enough, that you wouldn't suddenly uproot your own life just because I was single. I didn't believe her, I couldn't believe her, thought she was just being cruel and selfish. Now I realize that she understood more than I ever did. Or maybe she just saw what I didn’t want to see.

 

_It was good what we did yesterday_

_And I'd do it once again_

_The fact that you are married_

_Only proves that you're my best friend_

_But it's truly truly a sin_

 

If this is really what you want, if there’s no hope for what we had, I’ll learn to live with it. I love you, Deano, I always will, and if you told me to drop everything and coming running we both know I would. I’d let you break my heart all over again.

But regardless, I will always be your friend. I would rather have you in my life as my friend than not at all. I feel so lucky just having met you, having spent those 18 months with you. I’m a better person because you made me want to be, life is richer with you in it.

 

_Linger on your pale blue eyes_

 

I don’t regret a single moment with you. How could I? Those moments have been the happiest of my life. What I do regret, is denying it for so long. Maybe if we had admitted it to ourselves back then, maybe if we’d taken it more seriously… Would things be any different? Who knows, maybe we’d hate each other right now. I can’t bear the thought. I’ll love you forever, and I think a small part of you will always love me too.

Maybe I’ll see you again someday, Dean. We’ll do something very proper like have a beer and nothing more, watch a football game and talk like we used to. I hope so anyway. For now, I’m going to try to find my own happiness; I truly hope you’ve found yours.

**Author's Note:**

> I know it was sad subject matter, but I hope you enjoyed it. I would love to hear what you think.
> 
> Follow me on tumblr at thegreensorceress


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